The Look of disappointment

Recently the sportsman and I went out for nice dinner for our anniversary.

At a really nice/ romantic resturant.

There was a little delay in getting there since there was a big storm that night with  huge softball size hail that hit our area.  So we couldn't leave till it stopped.
So we started the evening off in a funk of a mood.


It should have been wonderful, but It was only an ok evening. I was in more than a funk of a "mood".  Everything was beautiful, so I should of been happy.
but
I wasn't.


To start off the dinner I was thinking about the “other” guy.  Weighting my options about going to see him on my anniversary weekend.
That would just be wrong. I know it. So why was I still considering it?
I have been seriously conflicted as of late with things to do with "him". Even though I think he has made the choice for me to end things.


At some point during dinner, I said something that really upset the sportsman.
Honestly, that really is an understatement.
So strike that, what I said seriously changed the whole mood for the rest of the freakin evening.
Yes I fucked up.


I guess I could of chose some differnt words. or I could of just kept my mouth shut. I could of put more thought into my words before sharing, but whatever none of that happen.
So moving on. I'm a fuck up.


So we are talking and I think I said something to the effect of, " why did we get married"? or why did you want to marry me.


I know that isn't a good way to start off. I was just trying to get a feel for why he thought we got married. His point of view for why he chose ME.

The look on his face was of defeat and sadness.
If I could take back that night and do it over I totally would.


But the fact remains, my view was and has always been, if things were so good way back when, why did we rush into getting married?
Why didn’t we just date forever?
The sportsman just sat there speechless, you could see the heart break in his face.
Did I already mention what a dumbass I am?
His attitude then, turned to snotty/pissy.
I mean who would blame him.
His comment to me was if he were to ask me that night to marry him all over again , what would I say?

He was right , I would probably say no.
It is just the reality of me.
So freakin get over it already.
I am who I am.


That night the sportsman came to the realization that I didn’t love him like he loves me. Very sad moment.
I have never said those words to him, but he figured it out on his own.


I know that is devastating to hear, to realize that the feelings are one sided.


I personally know this first hand.
It’s not a pleasant experience.


I tried to explain that I haven't always felt this way. I told him that at some point things changed. Seriously, after 9 years what do you expect?
Not every freakin day is all cool whip and roses.


Anyone who says every day is wonderful is a liar.


I told him I still loved him but, I just wasn’t in love with him like when we first met. Yes, that is brutal.


But it was the honest truth.


Did I mention that we had been drinking during this conversation, which I always find to be b a d.
Since most people tend to be very honest when under the influence of alcohol.


I also reminded him of our recent trip to Omaha, and how we talked things out and reminded him of our plan to work on things.


Which has been going pretty good so far. Other than he doesn’t trust me. Which is to be expected.
For real I wouldn’t trust me either.


He is fully aware of my super high sex drive. (again another story for another time)


That is all I can do, at this point.
All I can do is try. I can’t change the past.


So now I feel we are back to square one.
The sportsman doesn’t trust me,and he is back to being indifferent about things.


WTF!!!!

I am not good at kissin ass.

So what am I supposed to do now?

Anyone?