Expectations

Let me just say, I'm not a mean person.
Quite the opposite.
I care deeply for those people I trust and or have bonded with.
I claim to be an honest person.
 Brutally honest some times. Never to hurt anyones feelings.
but mainly cause I don't believe in wasting time with pussy footing around. I feel people should just say what they mean.
I also know that some might think I'm a hyprocrit, cause I claim to be honest and then I lie to the sportsman.
I lie to him by cheating on him.
Just so you know I haven't always cheated on him.
Just in this last year. 2 men. Thats it.
I know I should never have. Its totally fucked up.
Hello, don't judge. You don't really know me.
I was out seaking.
I'm not sure what I was seaking. I have claimed that it was the lack of good sex.
I just dont know anymore why I cheated.
I know that due to my health issues, and having a mini stroke not too long ago I was scared. Scared I would die and maybe not ever be with the person I was ment to be with. So I was out looking for the "someone" that I thought would be the perfect package.
Then I met him. So I thought. I couldn't get him to commit to me. It broke my heart.
Of course what the hell was I thinking. He was single but I was still married. Not even separated. I couldnt exaclty expect anything from him.
I had completely emtionally separated myself from the sportsman.
I tried to feel things out with this other guy. It just didnt seem like he really wanted to be with me.
Honestly I dont blame him. Who wants to be with someone who has a known illness that there is no cure for.
Thats alot to take on.
So we argeed to be friends. I didnt want to be. but there wasnt much I could do.
Then came the weekend where I went away with the sportsman.
I wrote about it. This guy reads my blog. My post hurt him.
 D e e p l y.
Which was not my intention. He told me that my blog posts hurt people. Now he won't even talk to me. I don't blame him. I hate that now I have even lost him as a friend.
In my defense I am not a bad or mean person. I swear.
All that he said, (and he said alot) made me think.
I've totally been out of control for awhile. in more than one way. Even though I cheated I have learned alot.

and
maybe I've posted too much personal shit here.
Maybe I should keep shit more generic. ?

I never ment to hurt anyone with my posts.
This is me saying I will try harder.
I will be more cautious in what topics I choose to post about.

For what its worth. I am sorry. From the bottom of my heart.
Its all about perception people.
Doesnt matter what the truth is.
Its all about what people perceive.